A life full of Fucking calculations.....

Intellectuals, Freedom, Crazy, Inspiring,  Speed, Thought Provokers, Adventurous, Crackers, Insane, Fliers, Joyous…….can u see a common zeal in these words, sure these words are not synonyms and I aint suggesting that, I am talking about the feel of these words and a lot more in and outside my vocab.

Often, one come across a person who can best be associated with one or more of these words.  Nobody would mind being associated with such traits but still, not everybody can be associated with them.  Why is it so…….arent we supposed to be intellectual, thoughtful, a little crack, little hungry, risk takers, fault makers, funny, bunny….all of it then, why aren't all of us like that. Why….

I have been wondering about the calculations I, by default, do without really storming my brains out, its inculcated in me and I do it everywhere, many times a day. What kind of calculations, finding 'X' in trigonometry, of course NOT, else I would have had that supreme IIT tag which would have then taken care of everything in my life from job to wife to kids to consultancy till cremation…..so, lets not go there!!!

This bloody society taught me to live not a free life but a calculated life where they have standards defined to good vs bad, cool vs sad, great vs foolish, right vs wrong, beautiful vs ugly, intelligent vs insane, poor vs rich,  oh sorry!!! Rich vs poor…( RICH should always come first…awwww!!!),  all is defined by the society and I follow. Basically, you are supposed to be the first in the first vs second, all the time….

I have been calculating everyday without realizing that most of it is indirectly related to money and money itself is not that important. " I hear a lot of NO, NO, NO YOU ARE NOT TOTALLY RIGHT here but….sincerely, don’t give a damn, they had been shouting all this time ".

So, what do I calculate, I calculate MBA vs JOB, I calculate how much medical/life insurance I need to sustain the same lifestyle ( as if I am ultra happy in the present lifestyle!!) , I calculate when should I get married, I calculate who should I get married…smart girl but not over smart….oh yess!!!,  I calculate  where should I buy a house, or where can I buy a house, I foolishly predict property prices for the next 5 years, I calculate how many beers did I take last night, I calculate when did I last have sex, I calculate which job will give me what without knowing what is it exactly, I calculate which friends are close enough to have my birthday treat, I calculate number of Diwali gifts, I calculate past, future, happiness, sadness, every damn thing!!!!…….

Crazy part is, all of it implies that I know what I want to have, dats why I am calculating RIGHT??, but, I JUST DON’T KNOW, how can I be so foolish, what am I doing here, what am I doing severely wrong.

It hurts one individuality, it hurts badly when one realizes that I could have been different, only if given a chance. These standards were not in line with what I could have defined for myself, now that’s unfair. That guy bloody was born to do something else and the society made him one of its own types and then they call us Settled……my foot…..score is not settled yet….!!!!

I don’t have a solution here and I am not even sure that will I ever stop calculating at least in this life, I only have this unclear problem, this nag of calculations. May be, that is the way it will continue since I am here, living here, around people, around things, around standards, around give and take, a lot of it.

But I shall never stop thinking and wishing of a FREE world around, who are living in the present, enjoying every moment, striving/pursuing for only-only Happyness, ultimate happyness, ready to help others, not doing excessively bad things, being who they are, being who they were supposed to be, being the best they can be, explorers not settlers, risk takers not fuckers, fuckers but not bad fuckers…u know…….!!!

Have I made this writing too confusing or is it  clear ( See am again calculating !!!! )…..u get it….good….u don’t get it….fuck off with no stars in this fuck…….!!!!!

!!!....Peace…..!!!